Settle Down

You unlocked my heart

I let you in
You gave me hope

I gave you my love

You said those deadly sweet words

I believed too much till I bleed

You come and go like the wind

Your breath are my summer breeze

"Settle down," you say

It is not supposed to be this way

You turned into a hurricane

Shattered everything in me

You broke the things we've built

Mostly, you tore me apart

Every time our eyes meet at each other

You say nothing at all like it's all done now

You come and go like the wind

Now I can feel you only in my dreams

Settle down.. I'll always settle down
Till the time stops ticking
Till the sun stops shining

Till the rain stops pouring
Till the water starts to dry
Till this body starts to become the dusts
I will settle down...

Human

I think that human is just a meat who has a brain and a heart. A brain to think, and a heart to feel. They can be so kind to others that they make the others fall in love with them instantly. But they can be so brainless and heartless. Their words can be such a pain for others. They use their harsh words as their weapon to kill each others. They say a lot of things that should not have been come out from a human with a heart and a brain.

Some of them were born to be a good actor. They act like the happiest person but they still have this ache or pain inside their soul that cannot be taken out from them.  Some of them also can be so unique. They're all two-faced. They wear a mask everyday just to be loved by others. They be another version of them just because of their existence, prestige, and popularity.

Hypocrisy. That is the only thing I fear from them. I personally think that every single of human in this entire world are hypocrite. So are you. So am I. Being left behind, ignored, unwanted, back-stabbed. Those are the things I fear of being one of them. There is nothing scarier than being left.

They only remember your mistakes. No matter how kind you are to them, they will never forget every little mistake you ever did. I believe only a few of them  really remember your kindness to others. But I think that is not so a reason for them (for us) to be mean to others.

They see others differently although God sees us all the same. They will be the judge although there is only one God that can judge us. I think that God doesn't even judge us but why do some of them that are not even a God like to judge us? 

We may born from different place and time. We may born with different kind of skin color. We may born with different kind of hair. We may born with different kind of size. We may born with different kind of face. Well, we were actually born physically different. But I think that won't make us as a different human. 

It's 2014

Wow, it's been a long time since the last time I've been here. Some things are completely different from the last time I posted until right now. I'm fifteen now and going to be sixteen this year. Well, it's 2014 already. Crazy, isn't it? Time went so fast that you didn't even realize. I personally think that 2013 was another bizarre thing that ever happened in my life. That year was totally insane yet so fun to me. Some things changed, some things didn't. Some things worked, some things didn't. New people came, well, some people left. But this isn't a new thing for me anymore.

I think that my life hasn't changed at all. It just becomes messier and I, as a human, am so fucked up. I realize that I'm not ready yet to face the real life. I'm not ready to face the future where I'm going to high school, college, get a job, get married, and have my own family. I sometimes cry at night just because life is actually harder than I have thought once. But deep down I know it won't change a thing, it will never do.

School also became at the top of my "things that ruin my life" list. I'm 9th grade and it is actually not that easy to pass through my senior year in junior high school. I have to pass through some "try out" tests, practice exam,  final exam, and the last one is the national exam. I really need to get good scores so I can graduate and leave this strange place -which fulls of different types of human- called school, happily, also I can get my scholarship in my favorite high school! Wish me very luck for that tho.

I really hope 2014 will bring us million of luck and happiness. I really hope this year will be the highlight of my life. No more sadness, negative thoughts, tears, or anything that can possibly ruin all of my plans & goals. I hope that this year I will find my true friend who will not talk shit behind me or even betray me.

Lose myself in there

I think I start to like daydreaming all day long, all alone. Just keep quiet, think about something great/good (that probably would never happen), and ta da! I completely lose myself in my thoughts. It's kind of fun but seriously it's really bothering me when I'm in a serious situation.

I actually have realized that I'm just too far from my lines. I start to expect something too much and also too high and yeah, it causes me a lot of serious pains to myself. It's killing me inside but I can't help it any longer. I begin to fall deeper and everything seems so perfect in there. I don't wanna stop because I believe that there's nothing more painful than the thing that is exactly happening in front of my eyes right now.

Sometimes I cry myself for help, it sounds I'm so overacting but then again that's the truth. I don't know what should I do, I don't know where should I go, I don't know who I am actually, I don't know how to react against everything that happens in my life, I don't know what's my goal. I really really don't know. I have no idea about anything and that makes me kinda afraid of what would happen later on. But I admit it too myself, I actually enjoy losing myself in my illusion even if I know it's difficult to become true.

---

Never Grow Up

I don't know why but these days I'm frequently feeling like I don't want to grow up, I just want to keep being a little girl. Free, never been hurt, do not know what love is, fall asleep in the coach but end up carried by my mom or my dad, do not have to study everyday, get everything I want easily without any bother, ride the swing or climb the slide everyday, and can have friends as much as I want without any fear being replaced or forgotten or even left. I don't want to grow up because I know, the further I get older the further every people I love get weaker, and someday I will leave them or I probably will lose them. I don't want to feel the painful of being left by people I love. I just want them to always stay by my side, forever. Is it too much to ask?

Song of the day: Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift.

Hey darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Hey darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple